This year has been a tough one. It feels like shit will hit the fan and then we won't even finish cleaning it up before it strikes again.
Just in the past couple months months I've had to deal with two tooth infections, had an emergency wisdom teeth surgery, got in a car accident, and I found out I had rheumatoid arthritis which left me unable to use either of my hands for a whole week (a photographer's nightmare!). On top of that Josiah had kidney stones that warranted an ER visit. It's been a lot.
The event that did me in though was two months ago when we were forced to move out of our home after someone came and shot into our windows. Although we don't know all of the details on the case, the police are treating the situation as a targeted occurrence and strongly suggested we move out of our home. This would have been devastating whether or not we had just moved into that apartment or not, but we had only been living there for 6 months. We spent a month bouncing between friends and family and during that time I was held it together. I was okay.
One of the friends we had been staying with reached out to take the urgency off of our apartment hunt and offered to let us stay with them until we found a place. Soon after moving in with them the idea of staying in Chicago started to feel less appealing. Details are still being improvised on our next move, but I can fill you in on that as we make it up. Now I'm sitting two months past the day we had to move out of our apartment with less of a plan for the future than I did before. I can not for one second forget to acknowledge how generous our friends and their offer are, but the unsettledness of it all in combination with all of the other things going on in our life is really getting to me. I like plans. I like goals. And right now I feel like I'm in a middle season of loss. Loss of safety. Loss of security. Loss of inspiration. Loss of joy.
I want so desperately to be okay. But I need to remind myself it's okay to not be okay. And right now, I don't feel okay.